I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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