I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
