When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
