I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
