i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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