I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
