Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
