Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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