I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I'm in the room..It's full of lost souls and sadness. I can taste the salt of their tears. This final might take a few freshman today..
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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