I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
