He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
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