Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
