Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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