My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
