i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
