A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
