My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
