The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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