why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
