Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize