dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
