Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
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