We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
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