Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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