i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
