After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
