I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
