shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
