someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
