I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
he puts the penis in happiness.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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