there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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