she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Why is it people are always in costumes on Cheaters these days? Joe Greco literally just said, "It appears they get chased by a chicken with a chainsaw." WTF?
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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