did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
