just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
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