This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
