yo my bday is less then one week away. hope youve found another annoying candian i can lick dairy products off of. also sorry about your loss
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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