Duck Duck Cougar?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
All the doctor said was why
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
