I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
