dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
