And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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