Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
