Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Randomize
