My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize