So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
