So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
