i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
