yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
