after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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