i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
