dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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