I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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