don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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