I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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