This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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