it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
